Clear Eyes, Full Heart

First of all, I just want to tell all of my friends, family, and blog-readers that my heart is beyond full. I had no idea how cathartic it would be to share my story, or how inspiring, or how uplifting. I received some amazing, supportive comments and messages from friends, from women who are walking this same path, and from some strong, amazing women who have walked this path before me. There was not a single negative word from anyone - and for that, I am extraordinarily grateful. Thank you all for your love, your grace, and your compassion.

I know that being able to share this part of my life and having the freedom to be open, honest, and real has helped me process that this is where I am in my life in a deeper way and I don't have the words to explain how healing that has been.

And guys, I am really, really good.

Honestly. I am so incredibly content - a state of mind that has always been elusive for me. I am allowing these hurts to heal at their own pace and taking steps forward in my life and its been a beautiful thing. I am working on letting other people take care of me (another lifelong struggle) and just trusting that God is working in my life in ways that I can't even begin to fathom.

I am so grateful for where I am in my life right now and am at peace with it. My job has been such a blessing. There is no question in my heart that God went before me and prepared my life for this new season. Many of the people I work with have a strong faith and have been exactly where I am in my life right now. The support system is amazing. I am nurturing relationships and friendships that I did not have the capacity for a few months ago, and learning more about who I am on my own.

And ya know what?
I really like who I am.

My Messy Life

Today I read this blog post: When Life Feels Like a Mess, There's Something We Can Do.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” Brené Brown

That post seriously spoke straight to my heart.

I want to start by saying that I value authenticity in people so highly, and I strive for that in my own character. I want to be authentic and real and sometimes realness is messy. I'v known for a very long time that life can throw you curveballs and that there can be circumstances that occur in life over which you have no control - but when it happens to you, it still takes your breath away.

At the beginning of this summer, my curve ball came. It hit me hard and unexpectedly and completely out of left field...

I may be mixing up my baseball metaphors now.

Anyway, when my husband of 6 years, partner of nearly 9 years, sat me down and asked me for a divorce, it took my breath away. It literally felt as if something was squeezing my heart and lungs. I couldn't get air and there was a pain deep in my chest. I felt my heart break in the realest way.

I cannot begin to explain the tumult of emotions I have experienced this summer. It doesn't matter that we didn't go down in flames, that our relationship has ended quietly, respectfully, and lovingly, its still a painful experience to end something that has been so precious.

My life is a mess.
I am a mess.
I am embracing the mess.
I am sharing my mess.

It has been hard to decide how to handle this situation since we live in such a connected and socially driven world - one that I am proudly very active in. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out whats appropriate, what isn't, what may be offensive and hurtful to those I love, and what may invite unwelcome, hurtful comments. I have also struggled at not being outright and frank about the situation. We always hide so much of our hurts and struggles - and while sometimes that is appropriate and right and good - sometimes its not. For me, right now, in this season of my life, I cannot hide. I have to acknowledge that what is happening is big and scary and sad and hard and messy and real.

For the people who have let me do this already - I am so incredibly grateful. Honestly, my cup runneth over with love for those friends and family who have held me up during the first few weeks of this life change, and those that still do. To my friends who support me, let me cry on your shoulders, and text you at all hours, I cannot express my gratitude. For those that have reached out to me via social media - thank you too. Its been a supportive and beautiful thing to feel so cared about.

One thing that is really important to me as I move through this phase of my life is that I don't get caught up in being ashamed of this part of my story. This may not be the path I had expected to walk, but its the one that is laid before my feet. And so today, in celebration of not being ashamed and of owning my story, I share my mess.

I am so hopeful for my future, even as a I mourn for my loss.

I won't deny my story, I didn't want to know the pain of starting over or the beauty in the growth of that pain, but I do - and I want to own that.