My Messy Life

Today I read this blog post: When Life Feels Like a Mess, There's Something We Can Do.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” Brené Brown

That post seriously spoke straight to my heart.

I want to start by saying that I value authenticity in people so highly, and I strive for that in my own character. I want to be authentic and real and sometimes realness is messy. I'v known for a very long time that life can throw you curveballs and that there can be circumstances that occur in life over which you have no control - but when it happens to you, it still takes your breath away.

At the beginning of this summer, my curve ball came. It hit me hard and unexpectedly and completely out of left field...

I may be mixing up my baseball metaphors now.

Anyway, when my husband of 6 years, partner of nearly 9 years, sat me down and asked me for a divorce, it took my breath away. It literally felt as if something was squeezing my heart and lungs. I couldn't get air and there was a pain deep in my chest. I felt my heart break in the realest way.

I cannot begin to explain the tumult of emotions I have experienced this summer. It doesn't matter that we didn't go down in flames, that our relationship has ended quietly, respectfully, and lovingly, its still a painful experience to end something that has been so precious.

My life is a mess.
I am a mess.
I am embracing the mess.
I am sharing my mess.

It has been hard to decide how to handle this situation since we live in such a connected and socially driven world - one that I am proudly very active in. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out whats appropriate, what isn't, what may be offensive and hurtful to those I love, and what may invite unwelcome, hurtful comments. I have also struggled at not being outright and frank about the situation. We always hide so much of our hurts and struggles - and while sometimes that is appropriate and right and good - sometimes its not. For me, right now, in this season of my life, I cannot hide. I have to acknowledge that what is happening is big and scary and sad and hard and messy and real.

For the people who have let me do this already - I am so incredibly grateful. Honestly, my cup runneth over with love for those friends and family who have held me up during the first few weeks of this life change, and those that still do. To my friends who support me, let me cry on your shoulders, and text you at all hours, I cannot express my gratitude. For those that have reached out to me via social media - thank you too. Its been a supportive and beautiful thing to feel so cared about.

One thing that is really important to me as I move through this phase of my life is that I don't get caught up in being ashamed of this part of my story. This may not be the path I had expected to walk, but its the one that is laid before my feet. And so today, in celebration of not being ashamed and of owning my story, I share my mess.

I am so hopeful for my future, even as a I mourn for my loss.

I won't deny my story, I didn't want to know the pain of starting over or the beauty in the growth of that pain, but I do - and I want to own that.

9 comments:

e Liz said...

My heart just breaks with you and my eyes certainly welled up with you. You are so incredibly brave. and strong. So much respect and love. I also think of how much you've accomplished - between working your tail off on your degree, hunting a new job to use that degree, supporting yourself, making work out goals (heaven knows these alone are challenging when you are busy)....and probably much of this while hurting. Seriously, SO MUCH respect. Much love.

B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

Dear Ashlea. Oh goodness. Thank you for being so honest, and I'm so sorry. There are many types of heartbreak and this one is definitely one that eats you to the core. You've been so transparent with your mom dying and keeping her love alive and this. It's wonderful to be here to support, but surely not a post I hoped to ever see... from anyone. I hope you know that being honest and open just helps others. From what I've learned in my own grief madness, being open to sharing with others only helps them understand more. It strengthens rather than weakens. It enlightens rather than damages. It's really the way to go. The painful, icky, horrible way to go. Mostly just because I wish things were different. Sending love always. You are strong because you have to be... without a choice. But not alone. That's for sure.

Kathrine Eldridge said...

I just have to say that I was so moved by your post. Thank you for your honesty. I know you don't know me and we have only followed each other on Instagram but I want you to know that it gets better. God has a plan for each one of us and it's sometimes hard to see where he's taking you. I am praying for you and will follow your blog. Take care.

http://www.kathrineeldridge.com

Anonymous said...

Cool!

pinkelstar same day essay writing service said...

It is really touching! Obviously, it was a really hard time in your life, and that is great that you did not give up. It just need some time and you will go through it.

Xiang Nan said...

Hermes Handbags absolutely fabricated abundant accession for avant-garde travelling culture. All of Christian Dior affluence covering appurtenances and accessories are abounding with acceptable superior adroitness and broadly celebrated all over the globe.In addition, Cindy Crawford invests 100% in all its projects. Therefore it is true to Swiss Watches. It not only participates in advertising campaigns for the Omega Watches brand, but it has a say in the development and communication products.

Brooke Higgins said...

Everyone has a messy life inside him/her. parking luton airport

Maya Alexander said...

You nailed it in a sentence. “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” Thumbs up
gatwick north parking

Jenna Catlin said...

Your posts are truly motivating. Keep it up!
compare Manchester parking

Post a Comment